Life Below

     On the outside, I am a good mother, a supportive wife and a force to be reckoned with.  On the outside, I have gained a few "comfort pounds"--or more, I have an incredible home, a reliable and reasonable pay check that allows for me to be a stay at home caregiver to Mr. Battle.  On the outside, I have it all together (even in my Olaf jammies).  It has taken years to perfect my ability to shove any and all emotions, hurts, and defenses down to a place where I don't have to pay attention to them.  Anger is a very handy tool in covering up what I am actually experiencing.  
    
     On the inside?  Ahh, yes...On the inside I am a mess.  Years of pushing everything down in order to maintain some kind of order, control, and dignity is not exactly healthy or beneficial.  In fact, it can be and is, in my situation, quite destructive.  Although I would love to tell you that it has only effected me negatively, I can't.  That would be a lie.  It served me well through the chaos that was our lives a few years ago, but when the family is in a healing phase rather than a "survival" phase, it is in no way constructive.  We are that family.  We are mostly in a healing phase even though it may feel as though we are still in survival mode.  
     
     Mr. Battle is medicated and actively participating in group and individual therapy to learn how to move past Iraq.  Med changes are more frequent and far more complicated than anyone would like.  Iraq is a living, breathing, dangerous and deadly monster that refuses to let go of Mr. Battle despite being retired since 2012.  And this difficult, beautiful, chaotic family is in recovery.
     
     Last weekend, Mr. Battle came home to spend time with Kid Battle and I.  Due to yet another med adjustment that went south and the nightmares, flashbacks, and fear that comes with all of this, Mr. Battle spent the weekend sleeping in the closet.  The weekend--not just the nights.  
     
     Me?  I know who I am as a wife, a battle buddy, a mom, aunt etc.  Remove all of those labels, and I can't seem to locate myself.  I must have left "me" behind somewhere.  While Mr. Battle is working toward a better future for himself and our family as a whole, I have continued to see our marriage counselor to work on finding myself free of anger, resentment, loneliness, pain, fear, and loss. 

                 "Don't give so much of yourself to others 
                              that you end up losing yourself."
                                                    --Unknown (unless you know who)