CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!

The fights...oh man, the FIGHTS!

Loud.

Angry.

Cruel.

Hateful.

Insulting.

Painful...

     Being the spouse of a disabled vet with PTSD, TBI, and Bi Polar is hard enough, but let me tell you...being the spouse AND the caregiver?  Ouch.

     Sometimes it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when this world begins to consume you.  Things have been decent lately.  Mr. Battle has been pretty stable up until today.  Today was nothing compared to what we have been through, but it still hurts.

     The anger started when I turned the heat up in the truck on our way home.  Silly me, I hadn't planned to be out when the temp dropped to 3.  He turned the temp down, I didn't say anything--and you can feel it coming.  This time it came on slowly, quietly.  He made comments about how it doesn't make sense to him why I wouldn't dress warmer than I had (I had three layers on) and that it's senseless to wear inappropriate clothing for the temperature only to get in the truck and blast the heat so that he and Kid Battle were sweating in their jackets.  Then we pick up Kid Battle.  I make the mistake of asking her why she forgot her lunch and telling her she needed to locate her lunch box when we got home.  So, of course, Mr. Battle starts in on her.  Slowly, quietly--escalating.  In an attempt to diffuse the situation faster, I keep quiet.  Mr. Battle (enraged but trying to cover it) asks what's wrong with me.  I tell him that there isn't anything wrong and that I should have planned ahead better for the cold.  This is where I went wrong.  I thought the fight was over.  We go home, Mr. Battle retreats to the basement, Kid Battle goes to her room, and I go up to my room.

     Fast forward a couple of hours.  I am told by a friend that Mr. Battle has been reaching out to a person who has been toxic and has created a lot of drama for us that we cut out of our lives (I was already sensitive to this because I had just found out that this person joined a group he knew we were a part of and has continued to try and push and manipulate his way back into our world, our glass house) so I asked Mr. Battle if he had been in contact with this person prior to today.  He LOST IT.  Yep, still pissed from earlier today.  Enter yelling, name calling, and the all too familiar "You are a shitty caregiver and I would be better off without you, so GO FIND A JOB" bullshit.  Thanks Babe.  Means a lot to know that you appreciate all the sacrifices I have made in my life to be here for you.

     Some people were not made to be stay-at-home anythings.  I am one of those people.  I had dreams.  I had goals.  I had aspirations.  I was top of my class in nursing school--and I was two months from graduating.  I found a job after quitting nursing school to move here and take care of him.  I was good at it.  I loved my residents.  I enjoyed my co-workers.  I made decent money.  I was doing something for me.  And once again--Mr. Battle needed me, so I took an emergency leave of absence until he was stabilized again--until he begged me to quit my job and stay home with him because he felt unsafe.  So I did.

     And here I am, one more fight--reassuring my feelings that I haven't done shit with my life.  Worse yet, I have failed my family yet again.  I am a shitty caregiver, a shitty wife, and a shitty mom.  I gave up everything to take care of my family, and I am failing.

     It sucks ya'll.  One step forward.  Three steps back.  I keep a lot to myself because I get tired of putting our issues off on my friends and family.  I fear at some point they will stop understanding and start judging.  This life--it is so unbelievably lonely.  As I write this, Mr. Battle and Kid Battle are asleep downstairs, and I am sitting on my bed, crying.  Again.  

     This is how it has to be.  I can't cry in front of Mr. Battle, it makes everything worse.  So I suck it up, stiff upper lip, and when I know for sure it is safe--I break down.

I suppose I better go take a bath, try to relax.  G'night ya'll.

God Bless. 

Na...Na...Na...Nanny!

     

     Last week we had an intake meeting with Operation TBI Freedom (btw, if you haven't heard of the program before, LOOK INTO IT!)  During the interview process they try to find out what areas of need you and your family have that aren't being met such as finances, medical coverage, counseling, support, etc.  It took me a few minutes to come up with a need that we have because we really are in a much better situation than a lot of veterans.  When I finally realized what that need was, it hit me pretty hard.  Kid Battle!  Kid Battle is far beyond her years due to all that she has been exposed to as far as hospitals, doctors, emergencies, first responders, etc.  I made an executive decision a couple months after school started for her to be in all day kindergarten and enrolled her in before and after care in an effort to minimize her exposure to so many adults issues.  She had gotten to a point where she would ask me on Sundays, "Mom, what appointments do we have this week?"  No 6 year old should have to be this way or feel this way, and it became glaringly obvious with this question that she was there!  She was at that point where we needed to make a choice.  Do we continue down this path where we rob her of her childhood, or do we intervene and fight for her?  I chose to fight for her.  Every once in a while she will ask what appointments we have, but we choose to be honest but short with our answers.  Mr. Battle is no longer in crisis and he recently graduated the residential PTSD program for the second time.  We are in the calm again.  However, we still have a lot of doctors appointments, counseling appointments, and situations that she doesn't need to be exposed to.  

     Now we are facing the summer where my options for care for her to keep her out of the PTSD/Veteran/Post Battle life are down to a whole lot of things we cannot afford.  Summer camp at the preschools?  $250 per week.  Babysitters?  $15 per hour.  Day camp?  $445 per week.  Sleep away camp?  $950 per week.  Nanny?  $500 per week.  Live in nanny?  $200 per week plus annual $8,000 fee plus $400 finder fee.  Are. You. Kidding. Me?!  I remember being paid $20 a NIGHT for babysitting 3 kids!  My mom owned a preschool for 18 years and charged $125 a week for school agers in the summer program, which included all meals and activities!  That was only 4 years ago!  I've been looking for a live in nanny who can be here during emergencies and to possibly lessen the financial blow by providing room and board, but it seems there aren't very many options.  I know there will be those people who say "Your kids are your biggest investment, why wouldn't you want to pay more for them?!"  I have news for you.  Parents have a whole lot of out of pocket costs.  Let me put it this way.  Do I pay the babysitter (who is still in high school, can't drive, no education, and barely any experience) $15 per hour to supervise my insanely independent 6 year old who preps her own meals, bathes herself, entertains herself, and will even put herself to bed when tired before 8PM---OR do I pay the mortgage payment, car payment, insurance payment, feed crappy pre-packaged food such as ramen when she needs to be eating GF because she will drop weight? (BTW, Kid Battle is as tall as an 8 year old and only weighs 40lbs even though she eats more food in one sitting than three 15 year old boys).  This really is the predicament parents face.  

     So, back to my issue.  We have some appointments weekly that she cannot attend (counseling, marriage counseling), some appointments bi-weekly that she shouldn't attend, and some monthly that she also shouldn't attend.  What am I going to do this summer?  Do I expose her to more hospitals and doctors and this painful, chaotic PTSD life?  Or do I cut corners in other areas that are important in order to afford that $250 per week for summer camp?  

     Last night we were in the ER until 0100 again.  Mr. Battle was experiencing shooting pains in his abdomen, light headedness, and nausea.  Kid Battle fell asleep in the chair in the room he was in.  She has been in the hospital and ER with us so often that she actually feels at home there.  So not okay.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want her to be afraid of doctors and hospitals, but for this to be home away from home because of her daddy's health problems is heart wrenching.  I received a response to an ad I posted paying $100 per week for a live in nanny room and board included, her profile says she charges $250-$400 per week, but she said she is interested in showing us support because of our situation.  I'll be contacting her to see if she is okay with a lower wage (most weeks will be fewer than 20 hours of care) than what she is asking.  I don't enjoy doing this, but we cannot afford $250 per week.

     If ya'll know anyone in the Colorado Springs area in need of a live in nanny job who is willing to take $100 per week, and is dependable, trustworthy, kind, experienced with kids, let me know!

     God Bless you all, and may your paths be lined with beauty.

Heavy Heart

     This past week, I headed out to TN to visit a dear friend of mine I haven't seen in four years.  At some point, I will let ya'll know about my trip, but tonight I just want to cry.  
     
     Two of the men who deployed with Mr. Battle ended their lives this week.  Then I logged on to Facebook, noticed a blogger I have been following for several years finally posted again.  She has been AWOL since October.  I figured she was dealing with family, or her health issues, or the craziness that we have been.  Holiday season is a very difficult time of year for a lot of us.  Come to find out...her husband ended his life on New Years.  Reading her post was heartbreaking and terrifying.  I became an avid reader of her blog due to the sheer amount of similarities between their story and ours! 

     There are times when I complain about the things we have endured, Mr. Battle's behaviors, the sacrifices made and at times I think for what?!  THIS.  THIS IS FOR WHAT!  This is why we fight!  This is why we sacrifice!  This is why we continue to struggle, and go to appointments, and counseling, and keep in touch with the PD, FD, and paramedics!  And yet, it happens anyways!  The woman who writes that blog is strong, fierce, has sacrificed, advocated...she has done every. thing. 

     She has three boys.  Three boys who have fought the battle right along with them, and now have lost their father despite all of their love and hope.  The conversation they must have had...can you imagine?!  And this is happening to 22 families a day!  

     I cried for her family last night.  I cried for all of the families last night.  I cried for the veterans who felt this was necessary.  And I cried for us.  I cried for me.  I cried for Kid Battle.  I cried for Mr. Battle.  So many tears are shed, so much pain created, so much destruction left behind.  And there are no words.

     I will be praying for all of the victims of suicide, including the families.  I ask you to as well.  God bless you all.