Mr. Battle's doctors do a wonderful job of including me in decisions and asking my opinion based on the roller coaster ride I continue to ride (periodically) with Mr. Battle. However, this time Mr. Battle was so on board with "tweeking" his meds, that they decided to move forward against my requests. It gives me confidence that they value and respect Mr. Battle enough that they take his hopes and desires seriously enough to try and implement them into his care, so no, I am not upset. Two weekends ago was hard, though. Add into the equation that he quite literally was only stabilized on his meds about two months prior to starting the program after three months of trial and error. (Complete with mental health hospitalizations and physical health hospitalizations due to adverse reactions.) I desperately needed some calm.
This last weekend I was hopeful yet cautious as to what we would endure considering the doctors have started moving towards re-adjusting his meds back to where they were before two weekends ago. This last weekend was mostly my fault. My fears, insecurities, and feelings of dread, stress, and being overwhelmed led to my outburst. Typically I am very in control of my emotions, but that just did not happen this weekend. I lost it. We were to notarize some documents for a jeep that had been totaled recently (which was the ONLY reason I agreed for Mr. Battle to come home instead of remaining at the VA where I was sure he was safe) and come to find out Mr. Battle didn't bring his wallet, the notary wouldn't sign it until every field had been filled (even though the SAME company had told me NOT to fill it out), and the POA was signed incorrectly bringing me full circle into a total and complete break down.
I broke down. I came crashing down hard. So what do I do with this break down? I get mad. Rage, even. Anger has served me well in the past as a coping mechanism to drive me through the emotional hard times in order to focus and keep moving forward rather than try to deal and bury my face in my covers. In this situation, I should have just cried. Anger was an unbelievably bad choice at that moment. Mr. Battle utilized his coping skills he has learned. He stayed calm and collected. He stayed calm and collected. He stayed calm and collected. I raged on and on and on and on and on--then finally--Mr. Battle had enough. He should be very proud of himself though. He did not follow suit and start raging as I was, but the rest of the day--even after I apologized and moved on--he was now stuck in the mess I created by choosing anger. After a day of rage followed an evening of communication. We talked about everything. My fears, stress, emotions, his fears, stress, emotions. It was good and productive and honest.
We also had to come to another major decision. My nephew and his mom were living here for free--something we did to try and help her out. Free rent, free food, free maid service, and free babysitter--what more could a new mom ask for?! Our "help" moved more towards "enabling" the longer she was here, to the point where she stopped moving forward in her own life (child support enforcement, college, etc) because living here was just so comfortable. It had gotten so bad that when confronted with a very reasonable list of chores (that she had been told would be expected prior to her moving in) in a very kind and considerate manner set her off into a downward spiral of entitlement and anger. An anger that she eventually tried to take out on my 6 year old daughter because she was mad at me. This is where she exited stage right last night. She is moving out, has already physically vacated the premises and only has a few more things to pick up. I changed the locks for now.
"Always remember that you are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."
---A.A. Milne
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