Tangled Web We Weave

     If you are reading this, I want to thank you for allowing me an outlet in this crazy life.  So much changed this weekend and I have a lot of praying to do to figure out where I go from here.  
    
     Mr. Battle committed adultery again.  This time there are no excuses.  His meds are good, his head was on straight, and he had enough cognition to cover his tracks and create an alibi.  His indiscretions in the past were forgiven due to his out of control mental illnesses, drugs, and alcohol issues.  So now what?

     I needed some time alone and rather than me getting the time I needed, he grabbed a loaded gun and pointed it at his head.  I called the police (because they know and care for him) who were able to talk him down after an hour of work.  They told me to go inside, so I did.  I called my brother in law who deployed with Mr. Battle to see if he could come up as Mr. Battle would stop to think before ending his life in front of him.  My sister wasn't home and he had the kids, so I called my minister to see if he could babysit (he lives in the area) and as I was giving him directions, I thought he did it.  It sounded like he actually did it.  

     There was a desperate scream, "STOP!"
     And then there was a loud "POP!"

     My heart stopped.  I started rambling in fear and panic, my minister started praying.  I tried to see outside without leaving the house, but I couldn't see anything.  It felt like hours went by before one of the cops came by the front door.   

     Thumbs up.

     I let out a long breath I hadn't known I was holding.  

How did we get here?  How did this happen?

This time was way too close.

     So now what?  Mr. Battle is in the mental hospital.  I have more praying and soul searching to do.  Kid Battle is having tantrums over small, insignificant things that her sweet little 6 year old mind can process.  

We have fallen backwards at least three years.

     Please pray for my family.     

Without Trust...

   

   Trust is a major issue in our world.  Mr. Battle gets mad and frustrated with me because I don't fully trust him--but why would I?  We are rebuilding and once you have betrayed your spouses trust, the only way to earn it back is to have a clean track record for however long until she feels comfortable with you in whatever area it was you betrayed her.  So for us, there is A LOT of trust issues.  Mr. Battle cheated many times with multiple women and has had some somewhat recent backpage logs--so we're still working on this one.  Mr. Battle has put us in financial ruins more than once and went out of control on his spending at Christmas (not as bad as he has in the past, but still a lot) so we're working on that.  Mr. Battle lied to me for years and still seems to think that white lies aren't real lies and he favors the phrase "don't worry about it."  

     What worries me more than anything is when he says, "Don't worry about it."  This is a HUGE red flag, siren, warning, flashing lights, the whole shabang.  What's so hard though is that we are trying to move forward.  I learn from my mistakes, so turning a blind eye and ignoring the warnings is not an option.  Mr. Battle would like it all to disappear like magic.  Unfortunately real life is nothing like the movies.  It's messy, and painful, and time consuming.  

     The hardest part (other than healing from past hurts) is that I want to trust him.  He's my husband, my partner, my battle, and my penguin.  Baby steps.

     So what happens when you are still working towards the trust?  Well, when your credit card is stolen and Mr. Battle decides to go somewhere other than the gym--then $300 on the card goes missing...yep!  The questions.  Alllllll the questions!  Was it actually stolen, or did Mr. Battle take it out of my wallet and use it towards something he doesn't want me to find out about?  Is he telling the truth?  Should I feel bad for doubting him, or should I continue to doubt him?  Supposedly he reported it missing to the bank, but unless the money is refunded back to the account, I won't know for sure since the bank won't talk to me about his credit cards.

     Any one else been here?  Let me know!

God Bless!